Forming blind trust for a pretty face might be influenced by gestures and nonverbal cues.

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In 1979, the French pop artist, Lear Amanda, released an album titled: “Never trust a pretty face.”

Amanda Lear. Credit: Wikimedia Commons.

Never trust a pretty face
You could regret it
Never trust a pretty face
It's so inviting
Amanda Lear, never trust a pretty face.

She must have been speaking our minds. We need trust for social and economic interactions like building friendship, forming business partnerships and allowing strangers into our premises to work smoothly. Don’t fall into the inviting trap of trusting a pretty face. You might regret it. One fact is clear: as humans, we ignore what people say but place how they act, how they talk, how they move their body, as telling points in whether we are going to trust or not.

Good communication skills are not enough for trust. Non-verbal cues, along with gestures that stimulate trust, are more important than speaking well and speaking clearly.

Trusting is not as simple as that.

The decision to trust people is an intuitive process. It is honed over the years due to experience gained by interacting with several persons, and relating each interaction. Some research done at the University of Warwick also makes it clear that how people look can influence whether we trust them or not. It was found that we tend to ignore a person’s past history or reputation, whether good or bad, if their look rubs us off the right way, and can trust them with our money.

The incentive to trust is also inscribed in our genes. The love hormone, oxytocin, can affect our behavior when triggered and make us either show positive emotions like trust, empathy and generosity, or make us exhibit negative emotions like jealousy and gloating. Oxytocin bolsters pro-social behavior and can increase negative sentiments when our association with a person is negative.

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A new research, by using a robot Nexi, suggests that the decision to trust others with our money and relationships is carried out by complex interacting mechanisms involving sight, hormones and nonverbal cues, or what one of the researchers, David DeSteno has termed “a dance” or interplay between strangers. According to him, "…there's no one golden-cue. Context and coordination of movements is what matters." The mechanisms are complex and interesting. It can help us explain why we can suddenly decide to trust someone because he talks glibly and the next moment, on a seconds’ notice, we decide not to trust him because he placed his hands into his pockets while talking glibly. It could help explain to you why you had to undergo a body scan at the airport while the passenger next to you was allowed to walk freely without questions asked!

To receive, give trust signals.

So, when next you thought you were discriminated against when a situation requires trust, ask yourself whether you made it happen so? Your behavior must have been a mimic of someone who turned out to be untrustworthy in the past. No wonder, the company and the role models we imitate can make or mar our fortunes. Also, the way your dress, your clothing, and how your face looks to other people, can make them trust or count you out as untrustworthy. Your reputation might rank low in the trust ratings if you do not make the effort to look your best for that occasion.

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As Dr. Chris Olivola from the University of Warwick’s Warwick Business School observed, “…the temptation to judge strangers by their faces is hard to resist.” So, as trustworthiness is an important trait for social and economic interactions, you could end up losing that job interview, or that much sought for contract, if you do not do your best to look well for the occasion.

Look like you can be trusted. Act like you can be trusted. In addition, do not allow your emotions to rule your head when confronted with negative emotions.

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Office lies (2): Don’t expect your friends to cover-up for you, if your crime will make you better off than them.

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My last blog post on office lies dwelt on one not expecting his colleagues to be lying friends when he has committed a punishable crime because they might get punished for it. It was emphasized that although friendship is important, propriety or the sense of duty lies above friendship. This piece will explain why, although your friends might not tell on you until asked, but where the possibility of punishment exists, they will surely bring you to book if they think your crime made you better off than them.

If you live in a lawless society, it is not surprising that people take laws into their hands when a criminal is caught. One of the reasons is that money confers political and social power on people. In lawless societies, giving such power to criminals is a dangerous thing. Sometimes, the police turn blind to such jungle justice.

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People behave in unreasonable ways when money is at stake. So, if after being engaged in wrongdoing and you expect your friends to cover-up for you, better make sure you did not gain any monetary benefit from your crime. If you did, it would instill a negative emotion on them that will draw up a desire to make sure you get punished. This is because they will compare the power and prestige your extra wealth would have conferred on you above theirs, and make sure you pay for it.

Would the criminal retaliate?

When one commits an office crime, he is trying to take advantage of others. Firms exist because of the transaction and production costs associated with providing goods and services for the greater public. People who work in such firms have agreed to live by a company rule and regulation, sacrificing their own personal gain - like working extra hours, going on training - in order to make sure the firm succeeds. By committing a crime, you are taking advantage of the generous sacrifices of your colleagues.

Yet, people do it all the time because they will gain material advantages over others. When found out, rather than get a sympathetic ear from friends, they get punished. Whether that punishment is accepted or the criminal retaliates in kind, depends on the society concerned. Where the society places law and order ahead of personal material gains, such criminals find it more difficult to retaliate. Hence they accept the punishment. Where the society is lawless, parochial or authoritarian, the criminals have found it easy to retaliate. Hence, people usually take matters into their hands. You can see why people hesitate to cooperate with a cheat or criminal? Because they violate corporate norms and where they are left unpunished, everyone suffers, most especially those who have sacrificed for the firm.

You should always make your friends know that you are going to stand up for them, both in and out of the office. That is what friendship stands for. Your cooperation has its limits though. By committing a crime, he is putting your means of livelihood at danger. If you have children to take care of, what kind of friendship is he promoting? One doubts if he can make such same sacrifice for you. No one wants to get fired because he wants to protect a precious friendship. You shouldn’t.

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Before you run to management though to report for a crime committed, better make sure you understand the values and the societal norms in your area. It might be your friend, or not, but what you should be interested in is that the firm’s interest and the interest of everyone, is well protected. If the criminal will not cooperate but is likely to retaliate in some other way, you should be very careful how you go about it. But if the cheat or criminal behaves more cooperatively, then you will have gained both a colleague and a friend.

To agree or not depends on you.

Sometimes, we lie for good causes. No one is debating the morality of a lie or not, rather what you should expect of your friends if you want them to cover-up for you in the office. If you are known to be a fighter for the common good, to have sacrificed yourself for the success of the firm, you could get a sympathetic ear; otherwise you will surely get punished, especially if money is involved. Remember, the world is a difficult place. People can be deceptive or manipulative because they are seeking material advantages over others.

When someone asks for you to help him from a wrong doing, whatever you chose to do, to help or have him punished, be careful of your decision. If you ask me, I’d make sure my decision was going to benefit the common good.

<<< 1 Office lies (1): Don't expect your friends to cover-up for you, if they will lose something of value.

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Your reaction in times of chaos and uncertainty can be a sign of class

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Hurricane sandy has left destruction and chaos in its attack. Some of its features were power outages, homes lost, and personal possessions destroyed. The value of these losses cannot be quantified. You can see some 323 vivid images of its destruction. If you are a victim of Hurricane sandy, take heart. You could do well to ask yourself: in the wake of Hurricane sandy, where did you turn to for protection?

It is an established fact that in times of crisis, a person’s reaction shows what class he must possibly belong to. There are those who place their protection and security on material wealth and possessions; on the other end of the pole, are those who place their protection on love and acceptance by people and society. Those who fall into the latter class run to community funded institutions for help, while those in the former class run towards financial institutions and material possessions.

Have you noticed that sometimes people fight over issues like respect, greetings and memorabilia? Are they useless goods? When family members fight over inheritance, some run to established customary institutions for arbitration, while some use the police and power derived from their wealth for arbitration. Where do you fall into? It depends on which of the above classes you fall into.

Where you money is, that is where your heart will be.

Money can't buyPhoto credit: Flickr.com, guimaiolini.

If you have lived in poor neighborhoods, you would realize that religious institutions play a major role in the lives of the people, while in richer or wealthier neighborhoods, financial and governmental institutions have more say in people’s lives. The poor have always sought love and acceptance by others, placing these on a higher plane than material wealth, while the reverse is the case for the rich. The poor can proudly say that “love of money” is materialism, and can readily decrease the value of material wealth and possessions .

When troubled, as by chaos and uncertainty, conflict, crisis or even a hurricane, the rich have found material wealth to be a salient, accessible and preferred individual copying mechanism within the social environment, more than relationships can provide, and vice versa for the poor.

So, when you feel that the world is unpredictable, seemingly random, or that things have turned topsy-turvy in your life, your reaction is an indicator of where your protection lies.

When under enormous stress, do you think of how much it’d take the psychiatrist for a diagnosis, or do you run to friends for a heart-to-heart? If the tuition for your college was hiked, or you anticipate academic failure, where do you turn for help? Faced with a family squabble, where do you turn for arbitration? What would you answer to the question: “Money or humans, which is more important”? If given the opportunity to migrate to a country where you can earn more money but lose something like spirituality, contact with people, friends and family, which would you chose?

Whatever choice you make, whether rich or poor, you can rightly say that you value love and acceptance by people, and that you want to maintain it, or that you value wealth and material possessions above the former, and you can do everything to maintain it.

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Will she marry rich or poor? Wealthy women seeking sexual partners see no difference!

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It is not difficult to see a woman riding her Limousine, having a chauffeur driven Mercedes Benz or driving the streets on a Hummer Jeep in our modern times. Time and economic development have helped to narrow the gap between men and women in terms of financial strength and political voices. Have they also been helped in terms of seeking sexual partners?

I believe so.

Ticket officePhoto credit: Flickr.com, Loungerie

I grew up to believe, and I think that I am not the only one, that women agree to marriage when the man is rich and has several investments to his kitty, while men usually tend towards women who appear to have the ability to raise up their children, submissive and can arouse them sexually. These days, women are getting financially independent and are bearing the same financial responsibilities as men; some are the breadwinners in their homes. This independence has changed the age long belief that they will marry rich. Women see no difference again. They now marry for something higher than material wealth.

Success and the ability to survive between generations have always been determined by tradition and society. Women were made to believe that raising healthy offspring depended on material wellbeing. The men were made to believe that success depended on having a fertile woman, a woman with alluring physical form, who would raise him boys that will inherit his property. These are what society and tradition have fed to us for years. We have passed on these beliefs to our children.

GenerationsPhoto credit: flickr.com

Times are changing. It has been proved that where the gap between men and women have been narrowed, in terms of education and finance, the gap between the mental abilities of men and women have also narrowed. Would that be the same for choosing a marriage partner? Marcel Zentner and Klaudia Mitura of the University of York, UK, seem to be saying “yes.” They found that when women are given more power in the society, they tend not to rely on the wealth of a man when agreeing to marriage. They depend on something other than wealth. Their choices too do not fall far from that of men.

Does it mean a woman who has climbed the corporate ladder, is wealthy financially, has all it takes to be independent, will marry a man less wealthy than herself without balking, would make herself approachable to a man without material ideas at the back of her mind? It takes a lot for societal biases to disappear. It takes a lot for a man to approach a multimillionaire at 40 and propose to her for marriage when her bank account is far higher than his own.

The onus also falls on the men. They tend to believe that women have lost interest in marriage and have substituted it for fame and wealth. They wonder whether the woman would agree to their societally accepted concept that she should be submissive? A wealthy woman scares most men away.

Courage, courage, folks!

If the study by the UK scientists is to be believed, then men should throw these fears aside. Approach them, please, and do propose. You could end up marrying a rich woman by putting on your courage hats!

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Men might think that women who have chosen to follow a successful career path are reluctant to commit themselves. But realize that the chosen careers might be time and attention consuming that a sensible, passionate and loving man can draw up the natural inclination in them to think of marriage again. Do not be overwhelmed by their strong personalities. Women desire the good things of life like everyone else does. I refuse to believe that no woman wants to remain childless; they simply do not know how to balance between a career and a home. With increasing financial power in their hands, the decision becomes more difficult.

A discerning man can help his woman. Do not let societal expectations hold you back when you love a woman.

Source: Stepping Out of the Caveman's Shadow: Nations' Gender Gap Predicts Degree of Sex Differentiation in Mate Preferences.

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Is virginity important? Mothers, help your partner speak to the kids about sex!

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Sex! The word means several things to several people. In some cultures, it is a taboo word for children. It might mean facts about male and female bodies and how these work. It could also refer to human development, like the stages when the penis becomes important, or when the breasts start to develop. It could refer to reproduction, types of relationships that we make and what makes a relationship healthy or unhealthy. Sex can also refer to sexual behavior, how to prevent pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases (STD).

When children have questions about sex who will they turn to? Parents should make sure their children should turn to them and not to their playground friends. In this regard, mothers are known to be doing well. They are more likely to talk to their children about sensitive topics such as sexual behaviors. Generally, the fathers are lagging behind. Despite this, all hope is not lost. Mothers should help their mates speak up more to the children about sex. By much persuasion and repetition, fathers can also join in teaching their children to respect sex for what it is before adulthood.

Fathers need help.

Research has found that when fathers are exposed to campaign messages, they demonstrated a consistent and increasing pattern of father-child communication over an 18-month period compared to fathers who were not exposed to these campaign messages. Because mothers have placed it upon themselves to talk about sensitive issues to their children, they do not need to be reminded or prodded about it. What this means is that fathers are not living up to their duties to help their children face the challenges of growing up. They need help. Mothers, take note!

father and sonPhoto credit: Flickr.com, dke72

Raising children comes with much responsibility. Mothers cannot do it alone. Statistics has it that by the time they are 19, seven out of 10 teens have had sex. Teens have very high rates of sexually transmitted infections. If you don’t live up to your responsibility, your kids will learn about sex from somewhere else, either from uninformed young people like themselves or from the t.v. Your role as parents is to make sure your children have the right information.

Keeping silent about approaching this sensitive topic can affect your their feelings and behavior about sex for the rest of their lives. They may grow up thinking that sex is something scary or embarrassing. Where they are curious enough, they will give in to peer pressure. If your children are hesitant about talking to you, make sure you make yourselves approachable. Respect their privacy of views and the chance to make their own decisions, but that you will always be there for them when they need help. It is wise to start early with your children. Doing so makes it easier for them to turn to you when the sensitive issues come up. Your kids will grow up with healthy sex lives, are more likely to delay sexual activity, have fewer partners and respect health warnings about sex.

Practical ways fathers can approach the topic of Sex

How, a father might ask, do I start helping my children with sex? It depends on the relationship you have built with your children. It is better though to use everyday life and scene, like when both of you are watching TV shows that has puberty as a theme, or going out on a date; sometimes when both of you are watching an ad that could inspire thoughts about body acceptance. One practical way also is showing your children pictures of pregnant women. Your conversation with them turns out to take a natural and easy bent this way.

Fathers too should attempt to start early and make the frequency of the discussion high. This implies spending more time with your children. You can even start today.

When questions come up

When questions come up, you could follow these practical steps while answering their questions about sex and sexuality.

• Try to find out what is really being asked.

Use viewpoint questions, like: “What have you heard about that”? or “Can you tell me what you already know about that”? Understand what is really being asked before offering an answer.

• Don’t answer too much information.

Give only truthful, short and simple information.

• If you don’t know the answer, say so.

It is better you postpone giving the answer than make your children think other persons are more capable than you are.

• Check their understanding.

After answering a question, you could ask: “Does that answer your question.”?

Fathers can make a difference in the life of their children by buying out time to talk with them. Doing so will help father and son to build strong relationships as well help these young ones stay clear of pursuing unhealthy and regrettable sexual lives. So, fathers, start talking to them today.

By the way, to all the mothers who are setting the example, help your man to do so where he is lacking. It is for the sake of your children.

Source: Repeated Exposure to Media Messages Encouraging Parent-Child Communication About Sex: Differential Trajectories for Mothers and Fathers

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Speak up when you have premarital anxiety since love might not be enough when cold feet is at your door step

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Love - that four letter word. We all confuse lust for love and vice versa. One of the real test of our love, when love stops being blind, is when marriage is proposed. You see, when marriage comes into play, the blindness of love disappears.

Premarital blissCredit: Flickr.com, N08

This is because when we are young, we can throw away the serious nature of commitment keeping and concentrate on having fun. As for marriage, marriage is what we view as something more permanent, a lifetime commitment. When marriage is approached, the little faults and problems we used to ignore come into light.

Some of the doubts we could be blind to during the stage of love are doubts about compatibility. The pressures of finding the “perfect match”, along with the fact that we all have our individual differences. When we have experienced emotional or physical abuse, betrayal, dishonesty, addiction, differences in sexual orientation and drastic disagreement about crucial issues, doubts can also come up when marriage is approached. If you want your marriage to turn out to be a success, you must have to speak up.

Cold feet towards a marriage proposal should not be ignored, especially when a woman develops one. A University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) study has demonstrated that pre-wedding uncertainty, especially among women, predicts higher divorce rates and less marital satisfaction years later. Never ignore those warning signs.

If there was no love, then there’d be no marriage. Despite that, do not take love as an excuse that marriage will turn out fine when and if you have cold feet. Love is and has always been so easy and free. Sometimes, you are wont to think that there are no responsibilities attached to love. Without love, a marriage will not work. Love, though, is not enough.

Days after marriage has been proposed, it is natural for anyone to have to worry about whether he/she is fit for marriage. We all have our anxiety symptoms when it comes to marriage. When you are experiencing one, take time to understand what the reasons for the anxiety are. It is a dangerous thing to ignore those anxieties and risk losing your marriage less than four years later. Analyze them and consider whether they are central to your happiness. Is he abusive? Does he like to control you? Is she overly obsessive? These questions when breached can help you detect the likely future source(s) of trouble in your marriage.

You have to deal with that anxiety. If you wish that it will just go away, then it will likely escalate. Have a conversation with your future partner about it. Be honest about your feelings. Be open to him or to her. The big issues that concern your future as a couple must be addressed. But, it will not be easy to share your doubts. It will discomfort your partner when you point them out to him. When the conversation is handled in a loving way, there will be understanding and the problem will be approached. You never might know; your partner might have doubts himself he’d like to share.

Always remember that no matter how perfectly matched two partners are, they will always have differences between them. If those differences result in anxiety symptoms when marriage is proposed, never ignore them. Work out success strategies that will ensure your marital success.

No matter why you want to get married, whether for political, economic or for reasons best known to you, love should be the foundation for a healthy marriage. Yet, love is not enough if a partner has cold feet. Do not think that the fun of love and youth will translate into a happy marriage; that you can just ignore your fears. Never start a marriage that might end up at the rocks some years later. Build your home on the rock of Gibraltar; as if on unshaken foundations.

Source: Do Cold Feet Warn of Trouble Ahead? Premarital Uncertainty and Four-Year Marital Outcomes

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To get healed after a relationship post break-up, de-friend that ex- on Facebook or you’ll get caught stalking.

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After you have called it quits, you continue to establish contact with your former partner. This is not because you desire to return to the relationship status quo, rather because you do not want to perceive yourself as feeling hurt, or harboring grudges. On the other hand, it is wise that after a relationship post break up, you call it quits, stop having frequent and close contact, whether offline or online, with your former partner. If you do not do so, you are giving yourself greater sadness and inhibiting your options for recovery.

Post-breakup. Sun, sun, sun, here he comes.Photo credit: Flickr.com, dingesmijn

Would you not feel anger, disappointment, confusion, hatred, frustration or even betrayal if you found your former partner talking with a handsome man or beautiful woman on the street? Would your adrenaline not get a rush? Maintaining close contact with that ex- online, most especially by reading his Facebook updates and being friends with him/her on Facebook can illicit unwanted sexual arousal, lust and a negative desire to do something wrong.

The sooner you make all contacts with that ex- infrequent, particularly when both of you were former friends on Facebook, the better for you so that you can heal your broken heart after a relationship break-up.

The effects of remaining Facebook friends with an ex-lover or even just following their activities online can disrupt your ability to heal emotionally and move on with your life. Due to jealousy and unwanted desires, you could end up doing Facebook surveillance on his or her posts. Researchers have found that this negative outcome is demonstrated both online and offline. This is termed relational intrusion and can lead to stalking.

Whether you are mature enough to handle the distress associated with the break up or not, it is better to let sleeping dog lie. Your split might be amicable. You find nothing wrong in remaining friends on Facebook. You have no negative feelings, no sexual desire or longing for that ex-. Both of you might share the same passions offline and online. So, you find nothing wrong in your having constant contact on Facebook, even offline.

It is better to keep that ex- at a distance. It is best not to read his or her Facebook status updates, or even Facebook profile wall messages and photos. Because Facebook information is easy, free and anonymous, you could end up falling prey to the trap of monitoring the behavior of the ex- online. You could end up stalking that individual on Facebook. It has been shown that this happens online as well as offline.

People who engage in it tend to perceive it as harmless. It is relational intrusion and dangerous. Many persons have found themselves guilty of writing a status update just to make the ex-partner feel jealous. Do not go that way. Your action could turn out to be obsessive because it costs you nothing to do so, and by the way, no one saw you doing it. Much more so, the desire for that former partner could be renewed and how upsetting you would be to find that ex- has found another smashing handsome man? Mounting electronic surveillance on people without permission is a dangerous thing.

If you found that you are obsessively monitoring your ex-partner’s online behavior, better de-friend that person immediately. That is the best you can do for yourself. It is the best remedy you can give yourself when you are broken-hearted over your break up with an ex-partner. You have to allow yourself the time and opportunity to heal emotionally well from the break up. Your personal growth can be at risk also if you do not take this course.

Source: Can Post-Breakup Facebook Surveillance Delay Emotional Recovery?

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